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Lying to my Mother

I told my mom she could go.  I said it was okay.  I told her I would be fine.  I was trying to do the right thing, but I also felt I was being honest.  Well, apparently I lied.

My husband sympathetically summed it up for me:  Sounds like now you want a Do Over. Yes, that is right, I do.  I take it all back.  Every word.  What was I thinking?  Maybe I was so busy reassuring her that I forgot to think of me.  But that’s all I’m left with now – me.  Not her.  And I miss her so much. How in the world could I have announced to her that I would be fine?

As it turns out, I told her this not right before she died – but several months prior – when she suddenly took a turn that really scared me.  She had a couple of very poor days, then 2 of days …

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Aftermath of a Crisis

“I don’t love you anymore

I don’t think I ever did…”

–  from Eurythmics “Don’t Ask Me Why”

I have always loved that part in the Eurythmics song that got massive airplay back in the 90’s on radio stations everywhere.   It was such an “in your face” kind of comment, the type someone who is REALLY hurting says, and I had been that person really hurting from a relationship that had crashed and burned, so yeah, I felt I could relate.  Annie Lennox always sang it so well, with just the right amount of emotion and scorn, as only a person who had really experienced it could do.  I remember feeling as if she and I were soul sisters of sorts, honorary members of the same club.

Those two lines popped in my head again as I read “This is Not the Story You Think It Is” – a novel written by a mom of 2 that I …

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Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

The kids’ passports arrived today. The ones we had to have expedited to us to ensure we’d get them in time – before our big trip.  The trip.  My dream trip – to Italy, France and England – all places I have never been.  I’ve been planning it for months (years really, if you count my dreams) and our departure date is less than 4 weeks away.  And now I think we can’t go.

I’m conflicted, torn, trying to figure out the “right” thing to do.  There is no easy answer.  It is all coming down to a gamble on the “What ifs” and it is becoming a gamble I am not sure I can make.

My mother is not doing well. Funny that 6 words can convey that much. But those 6 words speak volumes of what I’ve been going through lately, even explaining why the kids’ passports needed to be rushed; my head hasn’t been in …

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Is the Waiting Really the Hardest Part?

Have you ever woken up in morning filled with nervous anticipation – wondering what the day ahead would bring?  Ever had doctor appointments scheduled in the hopes of providing answers – possibly answers you may not want to hear?  You wonder how to brace yourself for potentially bad news.  And you try to think positive, because of course you believe in the power of positive thoughts and all that.  But you wonder, when you crawl back into your bed at the end of the day, will your life have been changed?  Will you have shed tears?  Will you get to continue on down the path you were on?  Or, will you find that you are being forced led down a different one (a path no one chooses to explore)?

I have a vet appointment this morning and a Doppler study to go to this afternoon.  The former is to examine the lump I found over the weekend on my 13+ …

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