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Zen Mama Wannabe » dying
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Lying to my Mother

I told my mom she could go.  I said it was okay.  I told her I would be fine.  I was trying to do the right thing, but I also felt I was being honest.  Well, apparently I lied.

My husband sympathetically summed it up for me:  Sounds like now you want a Do Over. Yes, that is right, I do.  I take it all back.  Every word.  What was I thinking?  Maybe I was so busy reassuring her that I forgot to think of me.  But that’s all I’m left with now – me.  Not her.  And I miss her so much. How in the world could I have announced to her that I would be fine?

As it turns out, I told her this not right before she died – but several months prior – when she suddenly took a turn that really scared me.  She had a couple of very poor days, then 2 of days …

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How do you Say Good-bye?

I got word that one of my aunts is not doing very well.  Okay, let’s be blunt (although I choke on the words): she is dying.  She was a big part of my life growing up and a wonderful lady – then and now.  I was fortunate to get to talk to her briefly on the phone yesterday.  As I dialed the phone, I knew this would be the last time I would hear her voice.  And part of me couldn’t help but wonder…how do you say good-bye – when you know it really will be a final good-bye?

Her voice sounded surprisingly strong and she made reference to her situation.  She said she was tired and something to the effect of just waiting for it to happen, for her to depart.  And I can’t help but feel I was offered an opportunity there and I blew it.  She was being honest, and instead of meeting her with the same …

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