Why Can’t We Have it All?
Posted by Zen Mama Wannabe | Filed under Life
Why do we put limits on ourselves as though there is no way we can get what we REALLY want and who do we think we are for asking for it all anyway? Is it wrong to us to expect certain things to just work out? After all, why shouldn’t they? Why can’t things fall into place effortlessly in our lives? Why is our expectation so often the opposite? Yes, why indeed?
When one talks of moving to a new place, one of the first things to do is to find a place to live. We did that – and may I mention that it truly seemed to fall into place. A lovely house, almost completely remodeled – practically new. It had just about everything on my list of what I wanted in a house, and certainly ALL the major points that would have been deal breakers otherwise (big yard for the kids, nice office space for my…
You Get What You Expect – so what do you expect?
Posted by Zen Mama Wannabe | Filed under Life
Why do we put limits on ourselves as though there is no way we can get what we REALLY want and who do we think we are for asking for it all anyway? Is it wrong to us to expect certain things to just work out? After all, why shouldn’t they? You know, smooth sailing ahead. Why can’t things fall into place effortlessly in our lives? Why is our expectation so often the opposite? Yes, why indeed?
When one talks of moving to a new place, one of the first things to do is to find a place to live. We did that – and may I mention that it truly seemed to fall into place. A lovely house, almost completely remodeled – practically new. It had just about everything on my list of what I wanted in a house, and certainly ALL the major points that would have been deal breakers otherwise (big yard for the kids, nice…
Having the Guts to Move
Posted by Zen Mama Wannabe | Filed under Life
“Ok, I get the fact that you’re moving,” one friend said to me. “But to Connecticut?? It’s as if you closed your eyes and threw a dart at a map of the United States.” “Wow!” said another acquaintance, “I could never do that, to just pack up and move across the country. I wouldn’t have the guts.”
Ah yes, having the guts. I remember back when I graduated from college and was thinking about making my first “big” move – out to Colorado. At 23, it sounded like quite the adventure. It was as though I could picture my life if I stayed in Southern California (the job/career, the good friends, the eventual husband and kids and house in the suburbs where all houses looked the same) and the thought stifled me to my inner core. Sure, it sounded like a fine life – it just didn’t sound like an exciting life. I didn’t want to look back at age…
How the Kids Handled the News (A Year of Change – Part 2)
Posted by Zen Mama Wannabe | Filed under Life
The tears came much sooner than I had been expecting. As soon as they heard the opening paragraph of my much-thought-about somewhat-prepared announcement, the question was blurted out: “You mean we’re moving??” I had barely got the “s” of Yes out of my mouth before my Little One burst into sobs. Hmm – not quite what I had hoped.
My son immediately took over, drilling us with questions, his brow furrowed as he tried to make sense of it. Working hard at answering what he threw at us distracted me enough that I didn’t notice how his eyes were watering as he struggled to hold it all together – for as long as he could. Was this our rock bottom? I didn’t have to wonder for long – the answer was pretty clear: Nope, not yet – as bad as it is, we still have a ways to go.
The conversation has continued, on and off for over a day…
Shocking News (A Year of Change – Part 1)
Posted by Zen Mama Wannabe | Filed under Life
With heavy hearts, my husband and I are going to sit down with our kids tonight and tell them what will be very shocking news. No matter that this is as common as ever in our country, no matter that they personally know at least a handful of kids who have recently experienced this, no matter that we are doing this for all the “right” reasons, they are going to be shocked, heart broken and dismayed (and that’s just for starters). We are going to alter their lives forever, and believe me, we don’t take that lightly. And because of it, my husband and I are scared to death.
My kids are so happy right now. Their lives are going along great. Will they have seen this life-changing event coming? No – I don’t think so. Oh, maybe they might look back on it and in hindsight pick up a clue. Perhaps they’ll recall overhearing a conversation or two. But…
Love You Forever and Always
Posted by Zen Mama Wannabe | Filed under Gems, Life
Had a dream last night…I was waiting in my mother’s room for her – she was out somewhere. Still at dinner in the dining hall?? Something. The room was quiet and dimly lit. I had this sense of what she must have experienced so often (every day perhaps). The stillness. The quiet. The loneliness. Hard to imagine it day in and day out. I looked up at her clock and it was after 8pm. Suddenly I got worried. Where was she? Had she gotten confused? Why wasn’t she back yet? Should I go looking for her?
Then suddenly she appeared at her doorway. Frail but not as frail as she had been near the end of her life. I don’t think she was using a walker, as she had needed to after her 90th birthday, after cracking her head open the second time. It was late, she was tired, and we agreed she needed to just get ready for bed. …
Playing the Numbers Game
Posted by Zen Mama Wannabe | Filed under Books, Life
I have played the numbers game for years. 85. 68. 72. 91. These numbers may not mean anything to most people, but for over half my life they were a measure of my own good fortune. I would read in the newspaper that a woman died at age 72, and up until recently my mom was still alive at 90. Ok…deep breath…we’re doing okay.
Now my mom is gone – and I have the audacity to feel cheated. Living to 90 is having a good long run (and my mom certainly did). In that respect she was blessed and I am thankful. The fallout of having a child late in life, however, is that most people MY age have parents who are currently in their 60’s. Assuming all goes well, they are looking at having their parents around for another 20-30 years!
I feel too young to have lost both parents – cheated out of years most everyone else my…
The Bougainvillea Plant
Posted by Zen Mama Wannabe | Filed under Life
*** Hope ***
My lovely bougainvillea plant died the same time my mother did. Coincidence perhaps? Not to me. Most people know I share Wayne Dyer’s view that there are no coincidences in the universe. One might insist the plant died because we were in Europe for 2 weeks and not home to water and care for it. But I saw it differently.
Where healthy green branches and vibrant colored petals had been, now there were only brown shriveled up sticks and crumpled paper leaves. Every time I crawled in and out of bed and looked out my bedroom window, I was reminded of death and loss, both on a simple and deeper level.
I had been so proud of that bougainvillea and how it had been flourishing. In Southern California, bougainvilleas seem to grow all over the place. I have always loved them – their beautiful…
Lying to my Mother
Posted by Zen Mama Wannabe | Filed under Life
I told my mom she could go. I said it was okay. I told her I would be fine. I was trying to do the right thing, but I also felt I was being honest. Well, apparently I lied.
My husband sympathetically summed it up for me: Sounds like now you want a Do Over. Yes, that is right, I do. I take it all back. Every word. What was I thinking? Maybe I was so busy reassuring her that I forgot to think of me. But that’s all I’m left with now – me. Not her. And I miss her so much. How in the world could I have announced to her that I would be fine?
As it turns out, I told her this not right before she died – but several months prior – when she suddenly took a turn that really scared me. She had a couple of very poor days, then 2 of days of…
Aftermath of a Crisis
Posted by Zen Mama Wannabe | Filed under Books, Life
“I don’t love you anymore
I don’t think I ever did…”
- from Eurythmics “Don’t Ask Me Why”
I have always loved that part in the Eurythmics song that got massive airplay back in the 90’s on radio stations everywhere. It was such an “in your face” kind of comment, the type someone who is REALLY hurting says, and I had been that person really hurting from a relationship that had crashed and burned, so yeah, I felt I could relate. Annie Lennox always sang it so well, with just the right amount of emotion and scorn, as only a person who had really experienced it could do. I remember feeling as if she and I were soul sisters of sorts, honorary members of the same club.
Those two lines popped in my head again as I read “This is Not the Story You Think It Is” – a novel written by a mom of 2 that I…
