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Love You Forever and Always

Had a dream last night…I was waiting in my mother’s room for her – she was out somewhere.  Still at dinner in the dining hall?? Something. The room was quiet and dimly lit.  I had this sense of what she must have experienced so often (every day perhaps).  The stillness.  The quiet.  The loneliness.  Hard to imagine it day in and day out.  I looked up at her clock and it was after 8pm.  Suddenly I got worried.  Where was she?  Had she gotten confused?  Why wasn’t she back yet?  Should I go looking for her?

Then suddenly she appeared at her doorway.  Frail but not as frail as she had been near the end of her life.  I don’t think she was using a walker, as she had needed to after her 90th birthday, after cracking her head open the second time.  It was late, she was tired, and we agreed she needed to just get ready for bed.  “I’ll be by tomorrow to see you!” I told her, as I always did.  We hugged good-bye and I felt the boniness of her shoulders through her thick sweater.  Oh it was good to hug her!  I can still feel it even now.

“I love you so much!” I told her, pulling back from our embrace to look at her face.

“I love you too, Sweetie,” she said.  “Forever and always.”

Forever and always.  Those words made me instantly wake up from the dream.  It’s my line.  The one I’ve said to my kids from the time they were born.  How much does Mama love you? And I’d put my fingers close together in a measurement of about 2 inches and look at them questioningly?  As toddlers they would squeal in glee (once they knew the routine) and shake their heads an emphatic NO.  This much? I would ask, moving my fingers a little further apart.  NO!  And so it would go, until my arms were stretched to their furthest point.  Then I’d stretch out once last time, before wrapping my arms around my body in a big hug and saying I love you THIS MUCH!! And I’d look them square in the eyes as I said my closing line, the one they would always recite with me in unison:

Forever and ever and always!

Do you think our dreams can be a message?  Or merely what is floating around in our subconscious?  I’d like to think she visited me last night – that she knew I needed a hug – one only a mother could give.  To once again say our I love You’s.  No need, really, there is no question of our love for each other; it is more just that it felt so good to hear it – once again.

Perhaps this Zen Mama Wannabe got a brief peek at what her life had been like near the end.  The quietness that comes near the end of a life well lived.  When you’ve been so busy, so active, for so long, and then you’re not, and the days roll by into months, possibly years….well you can see how it would eventually feel like it was time to go.  Was THAT what my dream was telling me?

I dreamed about her last week too, but that one didn’t stick, and I can’t remember it at all.  This one I can still FEEL.  And for the first time in weeks, thinking about my mother has brought me again to tears.

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5 Responses to “Love You Forever and Always”

  1. Nancy Brown Says:
    November 14th, 2010 at 10:14 am

    Thank you Zen Mama for a simply wonderful article; I was very touched by your dream and your words. 11 years later, I still think/dream/feel/talk with my mother; she was my rock until I became her rock and so it goes, the circle of life. Trust me, your mom is always with you, just in different ways which will become less strange as years go by but of course it never totally replaces the real thing.

  2. callieandbatido Says:
    November 15th, 2010 at 4:35 am

    I beautiful post. I think your mom really knew that you needed that hug. I especially liked Nancy’s comment about your mom always being with you, just in different ways.

  3. LarkLady Says:
    November 16th, 2010 at 11:30 am

    Love doesn’t stop with death — thank goodness! How lovely to have a dream that brought her close to you again!

  4. Mirian Yerdon Says:
    March 15th, 2011 at 1:02 pm

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